"Time After Time"

Today I had Shao Bai's body cremated. During the past week or so the swelling on my right fist has come down, though there is still considerable pain from the bruising inside. I get by from day to day relatively numb, but now and again the grief creeps up on me: whenever I come home at lunch time from a morning trip to Kaohsiung: I pull up on the motorcycle still half-expecting to hear his voice - he always barked more and louder than the others when he heard me coming home.

But... nothing, just silence.

Driving to the crematorium I was determined to keep hold of myself and deal with it because I have already cried, there's nothing that can be done about it now and the other five dogs need me just as much as Shao Bai did, but when the door to the crematorium was opened with him lying frozen there in his little box I just fell to pieces immediately.

I didn't even have to look.

I stayed outside while they did the Chinese ceremonial bullshit. I had a few minutes alone with him - his fur was the same as it had always been, but the body underneath was as cold as stone and there was blood from his nose due to him having been recently removed from the freezer. I stood in front of the furnace for a while but that sent me into a murderous rage, so I had to leave the building. I could have beaten his murderer into a pulp all day long and still not have satisfied myself.

During the hour or so it took to cremate him I had some daft notions about what happens to the will after death, but it was probably all just sentimental nonsense brought on by the nature of what has transpired...

When it's my turn I will be ready, and nobody better get in my way.